People need each other in relationships. However, they also need boundaries. Boundaries allow both parties to feel comfortable and free. Boundaries can allow you to define what is acceptable and what isn't, as well as what steps you need to take if someone crosses that boundary.
Having boundaries with your partner doesn't mean that you're controlling them. It's telling your partner what YOU want. "Don't see your friends" is an example of trying to control someone. "I want you to spend time with me, and I also want you to see your friends" is an example of setting a boundary.
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable if it's something you've never discussed before. By communicating your boundaries, you can help avoid resentment and grow your relationship. Learn more about resentment in relationships and ways to address it.
What are healthy boundaries?
Healthy boundaries are defined as being respectful and fair. They will let you know what you need and what you can do to help yourself. It shouldn't be something your partner has to know without you saying.
"Don't be mean" is not a healthy boundary. You haven't told your partner what you consider to be mean.
"I don't want us to call each other names when we argue. I will walk away from the conversation until we can speak calmly."
There are many things you can set boundaries with: time spent with each other, privacy, finances, family, etc. Boundaries can change depending on your situation. You don't want to go overboard and set a hundred boundaries with your partner, just something that allows you both to feel comfortable.
Examples of healthy boundaries
Spending time with your partner
Your partner may not have as much time to spend with you due to work or family obligations. You could start to feel neglected, and your partner may start to feel like they don't have enough time to themselves.
Setting a boundary can allow you to come to an agreement on how often you want to see each other.
"I would like to spend one night a week with you. I also need time to myself after I get home from work."
By saying this, you are setting a boundary that will allow you both to feel satisfied. You can come up with a plan that will work for you both. Maybe you decide that watching a movie together counts as spending time, or if you are busy one week, you'll spend more time the next week.
Having time to yourself
Just because you are with someone doesn't mean you have to do everything together. Everyone needs time to relax and clear their mind. Having time to yourself can allow you to give more to your partner.
"I love spending time with you, but I need Sunday afternoons to myself. We can hang out later."
Your partner may not like that at first, but remember they are also allowed to have boundaries. Try to find a compromise that works for both of you.
How you handle arguments
Everyone argues from time to time, but how you argue can cause problems in your relationship. Arguing with yelling, insults, and name-calling, or bringing up things they've done that you know will hurt them, are examples of unhealthy ways to handle an argument.
"I want to resolve this issue with you, but I can't do that if we are yelling at each other. I'm going to step away for 20 minutes and come back when we can speak calmly."
Make sure you let them know when you will come back to discuss the issue. Don't use the boundary as a way to punish your partner. If one of you feels unsafe, step away and find a safe location to contact someone.
Privacy
Everyone has different standards when it comes to privacy. Some people may be fine with their partner knowing all their passwords, while others like to have private things to themselves. Don't assume that your partner thinks the same as you.
"I'm fine with being open with each other, but I would like to keep my private messages private. Please don't go through my phone."
Having privacy doesn't mean you are up to something, nor does it mean you shouldn't listen to your partner's concerns. Find a way that both of you are comfortable with.
Boundaries with family/friends
Having family and friends in your life can be a good thing, but sometimes they can cause issues with your partner. You may need to establish what information you will share with them and what you will keep to yourselves, as well as how you want to spend time with them and what you will do if they disrespect you.
"I would like us to ask each other before we invite someone over to stay the night. I also want us to stand up for ourselves if someone disrespects us."
Remember to address these situations as a couple. Don't put your partner in a position where they have to choose between you and their family. Address the behavior that you don't like and come up with a solution.
Money
Money can be a stressful subject for some people. Some may like to live off what they earn, and others may like to spend. It's always best to know where your money is going. Set a budget with your partner on how you want to split bills.
"I'm okay with spending up to $100 on myself without telling you. If I need to spend more than that, I want to discuss with you how it will affect us."
Again, this is just an example. Find a number that works for you. If you split bills with your partner, make sure you both know what you're spending.
Emotional support
Your partner is not going to know what you need every time. Some may want you to help them through their problem, and others may just want you to listen. Tell your partner what you need.
"I had a bad day today. Can you listen to me for 10 minutes?"
Or you can tell your partner:
"I want to help you, but I'm not in the headspace to do that right now. Can we talk after dinner?"
Setting a boundary can allow you to show your partner that you care, but also that you can't always help them. If your partner always needs you to help them but never does for you, talk about your feelings and see if you can come to a compromise.
How to set a boundary with your partner
Find a time that you are both calm and have time to speak about the issue. Tell your partner what is going on and how it makes you feel. Then tell them what you would like to happen moving forward.
Clear requests can make these conversations easier. Read more about how to improve communication in a relationship.
"When" - What is happening.
"I feel/need" - How it makes you feel.
"I would like" - What you want to happen.
"If necessary" - What you will do to help yourself.
"When my partner changes plans on me at the last minute, it makes me feel anxious. I would like you to inform me when you can't make plans. If I don't hear from you, I will make plans for the night."
Allow your partner to set a boundary as well. Remember it's not who has the best boundary but finding a compromise.
Things to not do when setting boundaries
Don't use your boundary as a threat to your partner. "If you loved me, you would..." This puts your partner in a situation where they feel pressured to please you.
Remember that you can't change how someone feels or acts. You can tell them that you don't want to be spoken to that way, but they may not agree with your boundary. All you can do is set a boundary on what YOU will do.
Also, don't set vague boundaries. "Stop being mean" is not telling your partner what you want them to stop doing. Be clear on what you want them to do differently.
Try not to break your boundary once you set it. If you say that you will walk away from an argument when they insult you, make sure you do.
